Beware, there will be complaining and offensive language in the following
rant, I mean, post. This is a long one, but bear with me…
I don’t know if anyone else noticed this, but it’s cold as HELL out there. When I say I hate winter, I don’t want you guys to think that I take that word lightly. When I say hate I MEAN hate.
Read on if you dare…
Now, some of you live in safe, decent areas of the country/world, but I live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA -that’s right, the land of (half-frozen) DUMB-ASSES.
It’s awful. The worst part is that during the summer, it almost seems like this place it pretty nice. Moderate to downright hot weather, green grass, green trees, beaches, festivals, street parties -the whole nine yards.
Except that’s how it fools you. It lulls you, makes you think “hey this place isn’t so bad, I think I’ll stay and…WHAT THE $@!#!”
That last part is what happens when you get that first cold-snap. OooooWEEEEEEEEE! It ain’t pretty, folks.
Let me tell you the Wisconsin motto: “If you think it’s cold now…wait awhile.”
So with that said, allow me to unleash my 10 reasons why I hate winter in Wisconsin.
1. THE COLD
Dude, it is so freakin’ cold here. Now this next part might be an overhsare, but it’s a good thing I never wanted to have kids, because it’s so cold, I froze my NUTS off.
Not only that, but I have to write this standing up. I can’t sit down because I literally froze my ASS off the other day.
So to review: I have no nuts and no ass. Thanks, Wisconsin. Thanks alot.
I seriously cannot even imagine what homeless people go through. All it takes is a 10 second walk from my car to the door and I turn into a whining, complaining sniveling lil’ ol’ BYATCH.
I’m not ashamed of it. Hell you come out here and see how long you last. It’s rough out here, man.
2. THE SNOW
Seriously. The snow is at best a major inconvenience, at worst a possible death-sentence.
I hear all these songs like “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas”. I’m the one off to the side like “dude! shhhhhh!! nature will HEAR you, man! STFU!!!”
It was well and good when I was a kid and all I had to do was take my sled an slide down the hill and then walk back up all day long. “WHEEEEEEEEEE! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!” Yeah it was all good.
Until I grew up.
Man, I have places to GO, dammit! Places to go and people to SEE. I’ve missed BOOTYCALLS because of snow, and I’m talking about the kind that CAN’T BE RESCHEDULED!! Curse you, Wisconsin!
- BOOTYCALL: “Hey John, you should come over…”
- JOHN (looks out window): “Yeah, girl…about that…it’s snowing. You come over here.”
- BOOTYCALL: “No, you come over here.”
- JOHN: “No, you come over here.”
- BOOTYCALL: “No, you come over here…” etc, etc…
I ain’t going out there, man.
The snow messes up everything, it causes all kinds of damage to people’s houses, prevents travel, sometimes brings the whole city to a halt. And that’s when it’s not screwing up traffic and causing accidents and getting people stuck in ditches.
Ugh. The cold itself could possibly be dealt with if it didn’t double-team you and body-blow you with the snow! Together it’s a one-two punch that you really can’t beat. The only good thing about snow is that is usually doesn’t snow when it’s bone-chillingly cold.
3. THE WASTED TIME
Between the cold and the snow, it sure adds up to a lot of wasted time.
Warm it up…
So I gotta get up in the morning, it’s already cold as HELL, then I have to go outside and start my car (hopefully) and let it warm up. So I go back inside and have breakfast while it’s warming up.
Oh yeah, this means I have to get up extra early so as not to be late for work. This shit comes outta my precious sleep time. Wait, add even more extra time if it’s snowing.
So when I get up and see my car covered in two feet of snow that I now have to take another 20 minutes to clear off while the wind blows it back in my face I’m disgusted by all the life choices that led me here.
All that time wasted that I’ll NEVER get back, man. Wow. It adds UP. Think about it.
Think about how I have to drive at 35 mph on the freeway when I should be driving at 55 (or more). That’s my time wasted. When stores close down and I actually need something? Wasted time.
I’m not going to actually try to calculate the true amount of wasted time because it would only depress me (more).
4. THE WASTED MONEY
Going hand in hand with the wasted time. Not quite as valuable but still pretty significant.
Burning holes in my pocket…
Go back to my warming up the car situation. That’s me burning gas that I normally wouldn’t have to if the temperature weren’t 50 gazillion below zero! Sheesh!
Look at our heating plans and electric bills. WHOA. What it costs to heat yourself and your house for the winter is ridiculous!
I know some people will say it costs a lot to pay for air conditioning in the summer or year-round in some places, but the heat situation in Wisconsin is much different. You can cut off your air for awhile. Yeah you’ll be uncomfortable but you’ll save money and you’ll survive.
If you cut your heat off not only will your pipes freeze up and burst (costing you thousands), but you WILL die (possibly saving you thousands, I guess).
I’ve told people before that I wanted to move to California. Almost universally, their response was “The cost of living is too high out there.”
Is it? Is it, really? I don’t think so.
The True Cost of Living…
In Cali people just come out of their houses and get in their cars and drive away. They don’t have to waste their time/gas/money warming up their vehicles and wiping snow off of it, or the other car maintenance like the more-than frequent-car-washes with underbody flush to get all the salt off of it. They don’t have to waste time snowblowing or shoveling or crawling down the freeway in snowblind blizzard weather.
Do you know how much snowblowers cost?? Well, do you?? Well, now you do!
To put it in economically precise terms, they cost a GRIP!! I love turning over half my paycheck for a snowblower that I’ll only use a dozen times (but that will be desperately needed for all those times). Also, I know there’s some $300 pissant snow blowers in that list but trust me, you don’t want some little BITCH-ASS punk-ass snowblower when it’s time to clear your driveway off. You have to pony up. While I’m doing that they’re just kicking it and chillin’ in Cali…
Yeah I know they have traffic jams but they have those everywhere, it’s nothing special. I’d rather deal with that than this winter nonsense.
Especially since I now refuse to go to work if it looks too bad. It broke me. Winter broke me, y’all. I’ve been traumatized too many times. I used to just brave that shit and go anyway, but now I err on the side of caution and stay home. The only problem is, I only have so many sick days, then I have to use my vacation days, or just eat that day. Your check starts looking pretty lean if you take too many days off.
When you actually have to balance your life vs. your paycheck, it might be time to move.
Oh wait, let’s not forget about the businesses that are forced to close because of too much snow. Or how much money they have to spend on snow removal each year. WASTED money. I know, the snow removal business is making money, but screw them, they’re making money off our pain, people!
5. THE POSSIBLE DEATH
I’ve had so many white-knuckle drives home from work in blizzard white-out conditions it’s ridiculous.
Death by Auto…
I’m tired of almost dying 100 times over every winter from auto-related incidents. Even a routine drive to/from work turns into an exercise in fear.
It’s not just you, either. You have to worry about the nimrods out on the road who don’t know what the hell they’re doing.
There’s a certain subset of people who are convinced that having 4-wheel drive makes you invincible and immortal. Here’s a hint: Having 4-wheel drive does NOT mean you can just drive any old way you want! You STILL have to be careful and act like you have some sense.
Check the accident reports and it will usually be some idiot who thinks that 4-wheel drive means he’ll never slip on the ice. 4-wheel drive doesn’t help you with ICE, it helps you gain traction when you’re STUCK. You brake about the same as anyone else.
Death by exposure…
But let’s forget about the immediate death by auto. I’ve been in situations where my car has broken down in the middle of nowhere and you either have to wait for AAA or a friend or you may just have to start walking. In Wisconsin, this can be a death sentence.
People have literally died from underestimating the cold and thinking they could make it home by walking. You can freeze to death before someone can get to you if you’re in the wrong area.
In Texas, if your car breaks down somewhere out of the way, it’s a minor inconvenience (maybe even a major one), but it doesn’t become a fight for life itself.
Don’t exert yourself, kid…
Oh yeah, what about death by shoveling? Yeah that’s right, people actually die from over-exerting themselves shoveling their driveways and walks. They always warn people on the news not to do it all at once.
But the snow has to be shoveled at some point, and you may not have anyone else to do it, so you’d better keep in shape otherwise the next driveway you shovel could be your last.
6. Speaking of Death…
Everything dies in the winter. Well, almost everything. Most trees, grass, other plants, animals, my spirit. It all dies. Generally speaking, DEATH is not a good thing.
It kind of SUCKS. It sucks big-time DONKEY DICK, and I’m sick of it. Hey winter, STOP. KILLING. THINGS!
7. The DARK AND DEPRESSING
I’m not sure if anyone else noticed this, but winter is really dark…and depressing.
These aren’t traits that are generally looked upon with much favor from normal human beings. Maybe vampires. Vampires love winter. It’s dark and cold, they like the dark and they’re cold anyway. It’s a win win situation.
In the dark…
So I get up in the morning to go to work. It’s dark. When I walk out the door in the evening to come home, it’s dark.
Precious daylight hours are so short and they’re gone so quickly. That is if it’s not just one of those ugly gray overcast winter days. Either way, most working people don’t get to enjoy the sunlight and pretty much exist in darkness and artificial lighting.
My current office isn’t so bad, I have two windows, but my last “cubicle” was awful. I had no window and no way to see what was going on outside. Some days I’d be in there all day and I’d walk outside into a blizzard.
Everything you see is dead. If you can see any grass at all, it’s dead. The trees are dead, usually smothered with snow. Your car is covered with snow. The streets are filled with brown, dirty, disgusting slushy snow. The yards are filled with disgusting brown and yellow snow.
There’s a reason dead trees are used as backdrops for horror films -because it’s ugly and scary to look at and a dead forest exudes a sense of foreboding. We see our own mortality in it. It’s not a good look!
8. People who LIKE winter?!
That’s why I hate these people that profess to like, even LOVE winter? I mean, if they were obviously brain-damaged I could cut them some slack, but maybe some of them are just high-functioning mentally retarded slack-jawed yokels?
The crappy four seasons…
You hear them all the time: “I could never move to the west coast, I need to experience the SEASONS. How could I live without all four SEASONS?”
Fuck the seasons! They aren’t worth it. Let me run down our wonderful seasons:
Spring: Wet and disgusting, all the crap that was buried under the snow in winter is now revealed. Namely dead bodies and dirty socks (for some reason)
Summer: Hot and disgusting. For some reason people like to display their oogly, disgusting, hairy, nasty, hideously monstrous, deformed, pox-ridden bodies for all the world to see. Wisconsin is not known for its attractive population.
Hey, I’m no supermodel, but that’s why I keep my oogly, disgusting, hairy, nasty, hideously monstrous, deformed, pox-ridden body covered up.
It’s not about modesty, it’s about caring enough about your fellow man that you’d like to spare his eyeballs from melting if he happens to glance at your beastliness without preparing himself first. Geez, some people…
Fall: Now this is the best season. You have some decent temperatures, some decent colors of the trees and such. Everything is dried up and people are covered up. NICE. The only thing bad is that it leads into WINTER.
Winter: Hmmm…what to say about winter…
Slack-jawed yokels are everywhere…
So yeah, some idiot is always running off at the mouth. What’s with these FOOLS?? There’s always one around, no doubt. They make dealing with an already bad situation infinitely worse.
- SANE PEOPLE: “I hope we don’t get any snow soon.”
- High-functioning mentally retarded slack-jawed yokel: “But I love the snow. It’s so beautiful! I love the snowflakes, they sparkle! I want to have a white Christmas! Blah blah blaaaaaah!”
- SANE PEOPLE (thinking to themselves): “This must be some kind of high-functioning mentally retarded slack-jawed yokel.”
I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but the fucking snow causes HUGE problems for people! It costs a lot of time and money to deal with this crap, and it’s NOT fun and it’s NOT pretty.
When one of these high-functioning mentally retarded slack-jawed yokels is waxing poetic about the beauty of the falling snow, I’m looking at the same snow-fall and thinking “I truly hope there are no accidents on the freeway tonight and everyone is able to make it home safely.”
- High-functioning mentally retarded slack-jawed yokel: “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! SNOOOWWWW!!”
- Me: “Aaargh.”
My own personal slack-jawed yokel…
Hey, here’s a funny story: I know one of these high-functioning mentally retarded slack-jawed yokels personally. He’s always going on and on about how much he LOVES, not likes, but LOVES winter. Loves the cold, the damp, loves the snow, all the hardship it brings. Just great, right?
Well, one January his truck (yeah this is one of those 4-wheel drive guys) was in the shop. The shop was about 9-10 blocks away from his place. He calls me up and asks for a ride down to the shop.
HUH?? A RIDE???
Waitaminnit. Don’t you LOVE the winter? Not like, LOVE. I told him isn’t this his time to truly get out in his element and enjoy the weather? Enjoy the -4 temperature and -12 windchill factor? This is perfect for you! I wouldn’t want to deny you this chance to experience your favorite season up close and personal.
In fact, why the hell do these people even go indoors? Since it’s so beautiful and wonderful, just stay outside all day and night and enjoy it. They may indeed be high-functioning mentally retarded slack-jawed yokels, but they ain’t THAT dumb, trust me.
So this guy responds that it’s “too cold” to walk 10 blocks. Wow, really? You just blew my mind, man. So I drove over there and gave him a ride, but to this day I still give him shit about it whenever he starts spewing that ridiculous nonsense about how great winter is.
9. Extra clothes and cleaning
I’m not one of those guys who likes to be naked all the time or anything, but I really don’t care for wearing 55 layers of clothing just so I can survive the walk from my front door to my car.
Then I’m so padded up I can barely fit into my car. You end up walking around with stiffened joints moving like one of those 1950’s robots. The entire population of Wisconsin walks like this during the winter. Again, it’s not a good look, we look like a bunch of tools. How embarrassing.
Take it to the bank…
Another thing, I hate that in order to stay warm, I have to dress up in clothes that make me look like I’m gonna rob a bank. As a matter of fact, one day I was actually going to my bank, and as it turns out I was walking in at the same time as some bank robbers.
I was dressed just like them so they thought I was one of their own:
- BANK ROBBER: “Dude, what happened to your gun?”
- ME: “Huh? You talking to me?”
- BANK ROBBER: “Yeah, your gun! Dammit we went over this. Shit, use mine and take your spot!”
- ME: “Oh! Actually I’m not…Oh, what the hell…EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND, DAMMIT!!”
So essentially being in Wisconsin in winter can lead to some extremely bad (although lucrative) situations.
Clean up, man…
Even worse, when I got back from the Bank robbery, I tracked in dirty snow all over the floors and carpets. Yeah you should take those off but sometimes your mind is on something else and you just go on inside the house.
Now you gotta clean, man! Curse you, winter! As if the constant hovering of the Angel of Death wasn’t bad enough, now I gotta CLEAN? This is UNACCEPTABLE.
Between the dirty, car-exhaust packed snow and the salt, you’ve got quite a mess to deal with when you track it into your house. It’s just nasty and I can’t stand it.
You can imagine how dirty the floor of you car gets during the winter. There’s not much use cleaning it since you’ll just be getting your dirty-snow packed feet back in there the next day. When spring comes you’ll have a nice car cleaning bill to look forward to. Wonderful.
I think I mentioned this before, but it’s time to double-dip -the COLD is the most horrible thing about winter. It will KILL you. It deserves a second mention out of respect. I’ve lived in Wisconsin for almost all my life and I still can’t deal with the cold. I know I act like a lil’ ol’ BIZNITCH when it’s cold out, but I own up to it. I can’t deal with it, and I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
With that said, who’s gonna fix this problem? By “this problem” I mean WINTER. It’s been going on for too long.
Scientists have failed us again…
What are these scientists doing these days? Large Hadron Collider??
I don’t give a CRAP about BOSON particles or finding out the true nature of the universe. I’ve already discovered the true nature of Wisconsin, it sucks ASS, and it’s cold as HELL! Fix it!
You’ve got these guys measuring cow farts and trying to stop global warming? What are you nuts? Hell naw, we gotta warm this piece up. All the way up. Get those cows farting, let stop with all this emissions testing and get this thing warming up!
The continued survival of the species is not what’s important here. What’s important is my personal comfort, right NOW at this particular point in time.
I want our descendants to be living in a ravaged, climate devastated world, scrabbling for insects and living in the only caves that are still above water, a world where every day is a struggle to simply survive, but they don’t care because they know that 600 years ago I WAS COMFORTABLE. It’ll all be worth it, I promise.
Finally. To seriously wrap this up. I’m outta here. No really, Wisconsin, you have me for one more winter, and that’s IT.
People say this all the time, and I say it every year, but enough is enough. I’ve had it, I just can’t take it anymore.
I just did a lot of complaining but I plan to back it up with action. This coming year is gonna be about working hard and getting myself the hell OUT of Wisconsin before the next winter hits. This place blows and frankly it’s just not good enough for me.
I really admire people who take action to change the parts of their life that they don’t like, and my goal is to become one of those people. It can be done, folks, and it will be done, because winter in Wisconsin (hell, winter anywhere) is a bunch of bullsh*t and I’m completely through with it.
Thanks for sticking with me for this one, and for those of you who experience winter please let me know your coping mechanisms or share your experiences. Peace, and stay warm!