Written by JG   
Saturday, 12 July 2008 16:32
Cover of Astonishing X-Men #25

Image courtesy of Marvel.com.

To be frank, although I was a big fan of Mike Carey's X-Men and Ed Brubakers Uncanny X-men, I always avoided this particular X-Men title like the plague because, well...it sucked.

I actually bought the first 12 issues because I bought into the Joss Whedon hype, but the truth is I've never liked any of Whedon's ideas, be it Buffy, Angel or Firefly. I've watched a good deal of all of them and I think they're all pretty terrible. Somehow I thought X-Men would be my chance to finally enjoy Whedon's work.

Anyway, long story short, I didn't. That brings us to now. Astonishing X-Men #25 is a brand new creative team so it seemed like a perfect time to give it another shot. This issue is written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Simone Bianchi.

Pretty much the best thing I can say about this issue is that the artwork is stellar. This guy's work is absolutely bananas, and he doesn't skimp on the detail either.

Unfortunately, that's where the goodness ends. Not that the story is horrible. This is the first issue of a new run, so there is some set-up to the story going on. I just found that I really just didn't care what happens next.

Part of it is the characters. As the Whedon debacle was unfolding, I just got used to not caring about those characters, especially since nothing they did really ever mattered outside of the pages of their own book. Most developments in Astonishing simply did not carry over to the other books or the rest of the Marvel U.

Then, there's the bad line-up of X-members. Let's see:

  • Cyclops: This guy has completely turned from a character I rooted for, to a real king-size douche-bag of the highest order.

    Cheating on Jean Grey (his
    wife at the time) and then shacking up with Emma Frost -putting her in a superior position to long-standing members of the team? Turning on Xavier and kicking the man out of his own damn house? What a punk.

    This guy used to be one of my favorites, but no more. No mas. I don't really care to read about him any more.
     
  • Wolverine: Aaargh. There's just too much Wolverine out there these days. Way too much. I know the character still brings in the money, but not my money.

    There should be a moratorium on Wolverine for a year, that would kick so much ass. Never happen, but it would still be great.
     
  • Beast: This character is just a waste of time and ink. I never cared for Beast, because he always sucked.

    He's not that tough, he always gets his ass kicked. He's not that smart, either - he can never figure out whatever problem they need to fix. Hell, he can't even fix himself! The guy looks like Lion-O from the Thundercats! Sheesh!

    I can't stand characters like this because it just doesn't fly that with big-brains like he's supposed have, along with the likes of Xavier, Reed Richards and Hank Pym (all friends of his) that they can't turn him back to normal. He's a lame character that really brings nothing to the table.
     
  • Armor: Yes, that's her name. Armor. Ugh. Why?? They try to make a joke out of it in-story, but they know, and we know, that it's just lame.

    This character is a Whedon creation, and that alone should let you know that she's of little to no value and really best written out or killed off.

    I can see what they're going for. They want to recapture the magic of the Wolverine/Kitty Pryde relationship from what is widely considered to be one of the best eras of X-Men history ever. But it ain't workin'.

    You actually need a good character like Kitty to pull that off and this character is garbage. She's slowly starting to creep out of Astonishing land into other X-books, too. Man that's pretty scary. Good thing my Puke Bucket™ was nearby when I read this.
     
  • Emma Frost: My Puke Bucket™ overfloweth!! This harpy character has been insinuated and shoehorned into the back-story of pretty much every Marvel character there is. Usually it turns out she screwed them. I think we found out she screwed the Power Pack at one point...what a hussy...

    ...anyway, writers use her as the device when they need a character to start some "internal conflict", which is a crutch that far too many writers rely on for story. It's just a bunch of filler crap that is pretty damn lazy. There really should be a moratorium on her, too.

    The real unfortunate thing about her is that you can't escape her. She's everywhere. It would be best if she could be contained to one comic, then we could shred that comic, burn it to ash, lock it up in a box, and throw it overboard out in the middle of the Pacific...ahhh what a dream...
     
  • Storm: I'm not sure if Storm is going to be a mainstay of this team or not. I doubt it because I actually like Storm. However, she's not enough to keep me reading about this motley crew.

Well, characters aside, it seems the X-Men are now moving in yet another new direction. they're in San Francisco, apparently working with the local law enforcement. It's pretty lame.

Of course, shit happens, then the investigation gets much bigger. It looks like they're trying to invent another species of human to replace all the mutants they used to have running around.

A mystery is set up, but it's not a mystery that is very compelling, and I just don't care enough about it to keep picking this up.

Right now, the best X-Men book out there is X-Men: Legacy, written by Mike Carey. That's the one I look forward to every month. Uncanny is a distant second, since it has featured way too much Cyclops and Emma frost in the past few months. However, both of these could end up being dropped if any of the Astonishing crap bleeds over into their stories.

Bottom line, Astonishing X-Men is one comic that I'll be glad to leave on the shelves every month.

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